(This was written on Saturday, June 26, 2013)
I attended a wedding today of two close friends that I met in college. I knew going in there were going to be many challenges facing me. I was going to be placed in a situation where alcohol was going to be abundant, and I was surrounded by people who didn’t know about my sobriety. I was going to be seeing people from college I hadn’t seen in close to 5 years since graduation. 5 years since beginning my transition to manhood. I wasn’t too concerned about that part, simply because these were my friends who knew of and supported my transition prior to me starting hormones, but seeing pictures and seeing someone in person when it comes to a transition are two very different things. I ended up sitting with a friend and his baby, since his wife was in the bridal party, and I sat with a bunch of people from college for dinner. I constantly had a seltzer or coffee in my hand, to the point I was no longer thirsty, but I was told countless times by other recovering alcoholics, the only way to remain sober at an event like this is to keep a drink in your hand at all times. Keep your hands busy. The baby knocked his beer over and it splashed onto my lap and I could smell the beer taste it in the air. Being sober, especially when you don’t want to be, at events where alcohol is a main part of the event, fucking sucks.
Just like any other event I commit to well in advance, as the event starts to come closer, I start to feel like I don’t want to go. I knew this was something I couldn’t (and in reality, didn’t want to) bail on, but I also just didn’t want to go. I struggle immensely at events with large crowds of people. Lately I’ve been tiring quickly. As soon as I get to the event, I immediately want to go home. I don’t experience “fun” anymore. I don’t know what fun is. Did I have a good time? Not particularly. Was it nice to see friends from college? Absolutely. I started feeling like I was crashing and knew it was time to leave. I still had a 2 hour drive ahead of me that I wasn’t particularly looking forward to, but I couldn’t afford to get a hotel room and stay overnight. Plus with me not drinking, there was really no point in staying overnight.
When I start to shut down I end up in what I call a “blank zone”. I’m not sure if there is absolutely nothing going on inside my head, or so much going on but it’s spinning so fast it feels like nothing. My body, especially my head, gets very heavy and my face droops. If there is music playing it it is playing but it does not register in my head. I know the song the words the lyrics but I don’t register that I can hear it at all. I drove like this for 2 hours. Set the cruise control at 85 and flew down the Turnpike. Those 2 hours didn’t even register in my body. I got out of the car and almost fell over. Made it up the stairs got out of my suit and collapsed on the couch. Tears started flowing my eyes could barely stay open. Hands shaking dry mouth same old shit I’ve felt before. As I’m writing this the words aren’t registering they are just coming out onto the paper.
I feel so lost and so hopeless all the time. I put on a fucking mask to go out in public and the time that I can wear that mask is slowly becoming less and less. If I knew how to fix this or stop this get my life in control. I don’t know if my life has ever really been in control. I don’t know what happiness feels like. I don’t remember joyous occasions or fun times it’s as if they are blocked from my memory, or they never happened. I feel like I am a waste of space worthless there are people out there with so much more to give and while I may I don’t have the strength to find it. I just feel like my body is getting weaker and more tired all the time and my parents sure don’t understand I told my dad I was struggling last weekend with a bad bout of depression and he told me to “keep fighting the good fight” Well I’m getting tired of this fight. My mom wants me to tell them what’s going on because “they’re my parents” but they’ve never been of any help always more of cause of my problems. I’m losing hope and I’m running out of time.