I am lonely. Lonely in so many ways. Here I am, spending yet another weekend alone with a cat who is ignoring me. I once thought I had a lot of friends, but after going to rehab and beginning my journey of sobriety, I learned that many of those people were not true friends, but simply “bar friends”. We had nothing in common outside of drinking, and our relationships quickly fizzled away. This has left me with a very small group of friends, and these relationships are also starting to dissipate. These relationships were also sustained through alcohol, but other mutual interests, and so I keep thinking that the relationships will survive.
Nobody calls me to hang out, or go anywhere. I find myself being the one to always initiate plans, and in doing so, I feel like I am a burden on people I call my friends. When they say they are busy, I feel worse about myself. My mind tells me they don’t want to hang out with me, they don’t want to see me. When they say they are available, the experience never lives up to my expectations, and I end up feeling really high for a while then crashing.
I have a very close, tight-knit group of friends that I have known since kindergarten/1st grade. We are still very close and while we have all started our own lives (two are married, one with a kid, one lives in Australia, etc), there is something very special about our friendships and we are able to maintain the closeness we have always had. I tend to hold high standards to people I meet in regards to these past friendships I still have, and in turn, often fail at maintaining them myself, or become disappointed in the fact that they are not like my friends from growing up. This also ties into my fear of going new places and meeting new people. I struggle with severe anxiety and do not like going to new places. Therefore that places me in a conundrum of how to making new friends and eliminating this awful feeling of being lonely.
I can only lay on the couch and watch TV for so long before I start to cry. I am sad and I am lonely. I have no desire to visit my family, as they have always fed into my mental illness and made it worse. I have few friends who do not reach out to me. All of this makes me feel worthless and depressed, which feeds into the cycle of not wanting to meet new people or try new things. However when I do go out to events, such as that wedding last week I wrote about, I end up feeling worse. I need to find quiet, sober events or activities but I’m tired of doing them by myself.