Checking In

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve updated, mainly because I’ve been incredibly busy. My social life has definitely improved some, although I’m not sure why. I am definitely not complaining. Although i still feel weird when I hang out with my friends. It very well may be my meds, but I tend to feel very disconnected from my surroundings quite frequently. It’s a hard feeling to describe, apart from just that I know I am physically there but I feel so disconnected from everything else mentally and emotionally.

A few weeks ago I ran out of one of my meds due to this stupid changeover with my prescription plan where we now have to mail away for all maintenance medications for 90 day scripts. It was my fault I didn’t verify, but since some of my meds are not stable, I assumed a new script wouldn’t count and I could get 30 days at the pharmacy, but apparently not, so instead of contacting my doctor immediately for samples or a small script, I decided to wait it out like an idiot, which after about a day I was going through major withdrawal. I had those awful “brain shocks” in both my head and my heart. I was ready to fight with anyone and anything. I started self-harming myself. I went to see the new Superman movie with my friend and bawled my eyes out the entire time (wtf?). So I happened to see my therapist and mention this and of course she reamed me out (for good reason) and I texted my psychiatrist and she immediately sent a script over and within a few hours I felt perfectly fine like nothing had happened.

What really gets to me about that is I feel like the only thing keeping me from going insane or hurting or killing myself is one teeny tiny pill. My two worlds are separated by a pill. And these are pills I will probably have to take for the rest of my life. My therapist said to think of it as that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, and the pills are there to correct it. Perhaps it’s the pessimist that I am, but I don’t see it that way. I mean, I know I have a chemical imbalance in my brain but still. Sometimes I feel like giving up and not taking my meds, because in the 27 years of my life, the safest place I have ever felt was in the psych ward. Being in the hospital for detox sucked, because I was physically ill. But the psych ward was different. I felt safe, because there were people there who were not going to let me harm myself.

On the other hand, I can’t really say that I’ve been on a high the past few weeks, but I am definitely at equilibrium. I am getting up before noon, I am taking my meds, I am eating at least one meal a day. Tomorrow I am going to start going to the gym with my friend 3 days a week. Today I ran/walked a 5K. I am trying to get all my schoolwork done but I am really struggling with my concentration. I was formally diagnosed with ADD in high school, and took Adderall up through college, and I really need it again, but my insurance does not pay for any stimulants. I desperately need something to help me focus, because I will try to read my textbook and become fixated on like 4-5 words in a sentence and just read them over and over again, or I just skim so fast I fail to comprehend. Sometimes I can’t comprehend what I’ve read and then I feel stupid, and become less motivated to continue reading. I have to finish all this work by August 1, and then I am done until September. I know I only have a few weeks left of work, but it’s so incredibly overwhelming I don’t even know where to begin, so I often just choose not to do anything, which of course is the wrong idea.

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About gabe126

I'm a 29 year old gay trans guy who lives in Philadelphia. Gabe is not my real name, well, it's my middle name, but for anonymity's sake, let's go with that. I hold bachelor's degrees in both music and special education, and I am currently 2 semesters away from graduating with my masters in special education and autism studies. I am disabled due to severe mental illness (bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, and OCD). I play the trombone and piano, although it's been a few years since I seriously touched a piano. I have 5 tattoos and another one planned, I just don't have the money right now. Derek Jeter, former Yankee's shortstop, is my husband.
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