I need to be up at 7:30 tomorrow to drive to my uncle’s, as we are going to a music festival this weekend. But I can’t sleep, yet again. The racing thoughts in my mind tonight are so awful and scary and I can’t stop crying. I have been very unstable the past few weeks but it is so hard for me to put it into verbal words when I see my therapist or psychiatrist. It makes me wonder why I can’t say these things out loud. I find it a lot easier to write it though, and then I can share it with them. I am teetering on the edge right now. I am becoming increasingly more suicidal, but I can snap out of it and it’s as if nothing has happened. I was just laying in bed, crying, as this scene played out in my head where I went into a gun shop and asked to buy a gun. I appear dazed, and the clerk asks me if I’m on drugs. I tell him, No, I’m just suicidal. He calls the police. I grip my blanket tight and squeeze my eyes and the tears flow out, then suddenly it’s gone. A bit earlier, I was thinking about walking down to my favorite bridge in the city. It has really neat lights that they change frequently, and it lights up the city skyline. I am sitting on the sidewalk. I am holding a knife, and I am peering over the side of the bridge watching the cars drive underneath on the highway.
Am I a coward or am I brave that I have not carried out these suicidal thoughts? So many triggers. I keep trying, over and over and over again with my family. I am jealous of my friends who are close with their families. But every time I try to spend time with my family, it results in me having a meltdown. They also don’t seem to want to spend time with me. When I am at their house, they speak to me and treat me like they did when I was a child. I will be 28 in 3 months. Today I received a text message from my younger brother that he was at the Yankees game with my dad. Much earlier in the season, I asked my dad if he and I could go to a Yankee game. Growing up in North Jersey, we went to many games each summer, and my dad would take us individually. This all stopped when I began my transition, and my family life fell apart, and we have not gone since. My dad told me no. Yet Mr. Workaholic manages to take a day off from work to take my younger brother to a game. It’s not the game that upsets me, it’s the fact that my father sends the message he does not want to spend time with me.
I feel as though I have nothing to live for. My parent’s relationships and mine are so fake it’s completely pointless to attempt to maintain anything with them. I am such an outcast. After getting sober I lost most of my friends. I had to give up my dogs because I ran out of money, and they were the only thing that kept me holding on. I am ashamed of my feelings and ashamed of being bipolar and ashamed of being trans and I have nobody to turn to and nobody to talk to. I am fucking lonely. Today the only thing I managed to do was walk outside and get the mail, and come back in. It took an incredible amount of strength to be able to do that, and I became exhausted after that. This entire day has been a blur and I don’t even know what I did all day, but yet I never left the couch.
There is nothing left to hold on for and I can’t see myself having any future when I can’t even make it through a day without breaking down. How can I maintain a full time job when getting the mail takes so much out of me? Since my last hospitalization in April, I have only worked 9 days. The school year starts in 2 weeks and I am not ready nor am I capable. My family doesn’t understand what I’m going through and my parents only make things worse. I am afraid to talk to my friends because I feel like I am the “debbie downer” and so I put on my mask and I pretend I’m okay. I post funny pictures to Facebook while tears are streaming down my face, just so people don’t know I’m struggling. I really don’t know how much longer any of this can go on.