Well, I completely forgot I had this blog. I think if I had remembered I had it, I would be too fucked up to write, although that is when I do my best writing. Funny story, I only lasted at my uncle’s house and the concert for 2 days before I had a complete meltdown, admitted to him I wanted to kill myself, and he drove me 2 hours back to the psych hospital in Philly where I spent 2 weeks, was released, spent about 1 and 1/2 weeks home, and ended up being admitted back into the hospital where I spent another 2 weeks. I spent about a month out of the hospital, although I didn’t get or feel any better, and I ended up spending a week at a retreat/hospital in Vermont.
I left my job on November 21st, but I haven’t had an income since August. I have $17 to my name plus a credit card I keep destroying. I am running out of medication (already ran out of my blood pressure meds and have had 2 nosebleeds and non-stop headaches plus a major migraine that made me cry). I was forced to move by my mother, within 2 weeks of a god-awful lecture (because she can’t seem to grasp the fact that these lectures make me fall apart) I have now packed and moved from a large 2 bedroom apartment to a teeny-tiny studio apartment that I have not left since I moved in apart from walking to the grocery store once. All I do is lay in bed and watch TV and nap, since the only thing that can fit in this apartment is my bed. I had to get rid of all my furniture. My mother also threatened to take my car away, but it’s not like I can afford a transportation pass anyway, so just another reason to not go anywhere.
The holidays were awful. I chose not to go to my parent’s for Thanksgiving, which was a good idea, but I was still super depressed. Christmas was awful. I was taking Klonopin every 8 hours because I was falling apart the entire time. It seems that my family “forgot” about alcoholism, as they were all drinking around me non-stop. I have so much anxiety about what their reactions might be if I spoke up for myself, so I tried to handle it on my own but goddamnit the beer was right within my grasp I could have drank it anytime I wanted but somehow my willpower is so strong I didn’t. New Years I stayed in my apartment by myself and watched TV.
I don’t have health insurance so I can’t go back to the hospital so I have to force myself to be okay and I’m tired of that. It’s not that I think I need to go back to the hospital right now but my depression is so bad I have found myself just laying on the floor. I cry nonstop and I really miss my dogs not that they could fit in this tiny little apartment. I don’t shower anymore, not that there’s a reason to since I don’t go out. I have completely isolated myself from all my friends and I honestly don’t care anymore I’d rather just waste away to nothing by myself. I don’t even know what else to write, I just feel so terrible and numb all the time I don’t even know how the time goes by since I don’t do anything.