It’s been a while since I posted here… things have actually being going pretty well considering all that I’ve been through in the past few years. I got a case manager and peer specialist, and they helped me apply for SSI disability, which I should find out in September if I got it. I’ve started going back to AA at the suggestion of a friend who invited me to his home group, and I really enjoy this one particular meeting, which is an LGBT meeting. Some friends and I have also started a trans-only recovery group which is fucking spectacular and I love it. Some weeks we end the meeting early and go out for ice cream. It’s been so long since I’ve had friends I could call my own. Since I last updated, the group of friends that I’ve spent ALL my time with in the past 4-5 years just decided to up and dump me and stop talking to me. When I addressed the situation, only one of them replied to the email, and she stated that she needed to take care of some issues in her own life and couldn’t be there for me, when I needed them the most. Whatever issues must have been solved immediately because everyday they were posting pictures on Facebook showing how much fun they were having (without me) so I unfriended them all and deleted their phone numbers. Fuck them.
At the same time, I am super depressed. I cry everyday at everything that happens. I’ll be watching old baseball videos on Youtube and I’ll cry when the guy hits a homerun. Who does that? My new meds, as effective as they are, cause me to tremor, which I don’t really notice anymore but my brother did today and now I am noticing it more. Last month I went into a manic episode for about 2 weeks. I couldn’t sleep, well, didn’t want to sleep, felt like I could run a fucking marathon. It was the best I have felt in the past few years. My psychiatrist said I am probably still hypomanic a bit, but I don’t know if I believe that. Last week I found out my therapist of 6 years is retiring in February and it sent me into a deep depression for the week, and I’m still not out of it. I am having urges to hurt myself but I am able to stop myself.
Another thing that really triggered me today, which is probably why I’m updating, is Robin William’s apparent suicide. I don’t know why it is hitting so close to home. What my mind is thinking is that he must have been struggling and suffering so long with depression to decide to take his life, and why should I wait until I’m 63 if I’m just as miserable and struggling just as much? Why don’t I just end it now? Last year at this time I was in the hospital so I guess my life has shown some improvement as I haven’t been in the hospital since March (this is a record for me). I put on a fake smile and pretend everything is okay for the people who care about me but in reality I am hurting so much. I am hurting that I got ditched by my only friends. I am hurting that my therapist is retiring. I am hurting that I have no money and can’t do anything *fun* because I need to spend the money my parents give me on bills and medication. I spend all day everyday in my apartment playing video games or watching TV unless I force myself to go out for a walk which I haven’t lately. I was going to the gym which was making me feel good but I tore something near my shoulder and have been having to get steroid injections from my doctor. My life just isn’t going as planned and I’m really struggling with that right now.
The other day I was looking for something and I found this old letter my Dad wrote to me when I got confirmed (I didn’t believe in god then but my mom made me). He wrote about how I was a “source of pride” for him and all the things he was proud of me for. He never tells me that anymore and I feel like a failure. Whenever I fuck something up I find myself hitting my head or biting myself. It’s fucking stupid and childish but I need to inflict some sort of pain on myself and I’m trying not to cut. I feel so numb to everything and I feel like everything is rushing past me and I am just standing still not experiencing anything going on around me.