I’m done. I just can’t anymore. I feel myself slipping back into that deep dark hole I feel sick to my stomach. Today was the first day since Sunday that I haven’t taken a Klonopin. I might need one to fall asleep tonight, even though I’m not supposed to mix my Ambien with it the dose of Ambien I’m on is so low (5 mg) it doesn’t do anything for me I don’t know why I bother taking it. The reason I struggle with falling asleep isn’t insomnia per-se it’s my anxiety-ridden brain and my pervasive thinking that keep me up all night and the Ambien does nothing to knock me out. Maybe it’s time to try something else. I always set my alarm for 11 and allow myself an hour of snoozing but today I was too depressed to get out of bed and I slept til 1. I didn’t want to get out of bed I was in pain, both emotionally and physically I remember when I was really sick last year I was sleeping 18-20 hours a day that’s how depressed I was. I don’t want to do be that person again.
I checked in with my friend when I got up to see how she was doing. Her husband went to work today so she was home alone with the kids, and since she can’t drive for the next 6 months due to the seizure she had 2 days ago they were all stuck at home. She said she was very physically sore from the seizure and from being restrained in the ambulance, but she was also very emotionally sore. We talked for a couple hours online about her situation. She has practically given up, she has no self-esteem left, she feels she has no support, her husband was really caring last night worried about her and I told her don’t trust him today he turned around 180 and started verbally abusing her again, I knew it was going to happen and she just can’t see it. I know it is because I am on the outside that I see things differently than she does but I am starting to get really frustrated because she’s not listening to me. I suggested she and the kids go to a woman’s shelter and she refused. Where they are living is not safe! He has multiple guns and ammo in the house and I would never put it past him to use them on her and maybe even the kids. He is so irrational, delusional, and reactive on top of being a sociopath I wouldn’t put anything past him.
She keeps apologizing to me about bringing me into the situation and I keep reassuring her it’s not her fault. She can’t see that it is his fault. He blames her for everything and she takes that internally and accepts it. Neither of us knew when we became friends the situation would turn out like this. Right now I am her only source of support. I am the only one telling her positive things. I am the only one she can come to plus she knows I understand at least her fight with depression because I have it too. And right now it’s becoming too much for me. But I don’t want it to, I want to be there to support her. We are having the same conversation every single day and it’s going nowhere. She is refusing to fight back but she can’t take his abuse anymore. Every time she starts to take a step forward in thinking about leaving him or fighting back she takes 3 steps back and as an outsider who cares about her it is just so frustrating and upsetting for me to watch.
People I’ve been talking to are telling me to take a step back, or even a few steps back. That this is not my fight, that I am too much involved. I know that but I can’t step back. I am all she has and if I step back there will be nobody there to hold her up and she will die, literally. She kept alluding to not wanting to live anymore today. I can’t abandon her and I feel guilty even thinking about saying that I am becoming overwhelmed because in all honesty her life right now is worse off than mine. I am not the one being abused here, she is. I am just trying to help her. My own depression is starting to eat away at me though I’ve felt like shit all week long since that incident at the restaurant on Sunday, which was supposed to be a happy time getting to see each other but instead we spent most of the night at the police station. I want to give up. I want to crawl back in bed and never come out and never talk to anyone again and just stop having to deal with life. I keep lying to her about how I am feeling because right now she does not need to deal with me, she has enough shit going on in her life. I keep lying to her that her life is not negatively affecting me but in reality it is and I am slowly and now more quickly losing control on myself.
I don’t know how to care for her and myself at the same time. This is probably why I’ve never been able to maintain a relationship because I can’t even take care of myself. I couldn’t stop crying as I spoke to her today I am scared I am going to lose my only friend. Before I got sober and went to rehab and then had a mental breakdown and spent a year or two in and out of psych wards I had a lot of “friends”. But when I needed them the most they all disappeared on me, and she was the only one left standing there. I know I need to be there for her in return but I am not as strong as her. We haven’t laughed together in a long time. I haven’t laughed in a long time. I haven’t felt the need or urge to smile, or talk to anyone, or do anything besides sit at my laptop all day long. I can’t concentrate on reading or watching a movie I’ve stopped watching TV/Netflix a month or two ago I just don’t care anymore. While they’re not super strong I’m starting to get suicidal urges again right now. I just want out. I want things to go back to how they were in our friendship before her sociopath husband went psycho. I’m probably not going to get to see her for the next 6 months because she can’t drive and I know I can’t go pick her up because he will refuse to let her out to see me. So it’s done. 6 months of loneliness already set out ahead for me. So much for the concerts we had planned to attend. So much for the beach this summer. I’ll be spending everyday burrowed in my apartment like normal without friends or support or anyone to care about me. I’m not trying to make this sound like a pity party I’m stating a reality. I just don’t know what to do with myself or with her or with our relationship and how to keep myself safe and sane while still helping her it is all too much for me I just don’t know.