I’m spiraling out of control tonight I can feel myself unraveling people are telling me to go to the emergency room even a 72 hour stay but I just can’t. I don’t want to go. I’m so over hospital stays I don’t know if I can keep myself safe tonight or not but I’m just so burnt out. I want to cut I want to hurt myself I deserve to be hurt I deserve the punishment. March was 1 year since I had a hospital stay I don’t want to ruin it now. I have things to do I have an Easter parade tomorrow and rehearsal on Monday I can’t miss those things being in a hospital. But at the same time I don’t even know if I can hold myself together to get there.
I’m a fucking loser I can’t hold down a job I’ve been in graduate school for 4 years and haven’t finished yet. I have one friend and she’s not allowed to see me because of her psycho sociopath husband. I’ve been in fear and terror ever since he came storming into the restaurant we were at on Sunday and then he called me somehow got my phone number I didn’t leave my house the next day in fear that he was going to be outside waiting for me with a gun. All of my other “friends” ditched me when I had a mental breakdown. But at the same time I hate people they give me anxiety and they make me mad I don’t want to be around people. If someone invites me out I feel like a burden and an outsider always looking in from the outside never a part of the group.
I spent most of today crying I was a fucking mess everything that I’ve been penting up came vomiting out of my mouth to my best friend today she doesn’t need to hear my shit she almost died the other night from a seizure her husband is abusive her kids have special needs she is the one who has problems in her life not me it would be easier if I just wasn’t alive anymore that way I could stop being a burden on people. I feel like I was making her mad because I was upset and she feels it was her fault because her psycho husband made me upset it’s not her fault he’s a fucking psycho. So we were almost arguing over whose fault it wasn’t because we both wanted to take the blame and deny the other person’s fault. My head feels heavy I can’t keep it up my stomach hurts I’m shaking and cold I want to throw up I just feel like crap right now physically and mentally. I feel myself shutting down I am tired of wearing a mask that says everything is alright even though things were starting to feel better every time I take one step forward I take three steps back. I will never get ahead in life I will always be a fucking loser.
I’m tired of feeling this way I’m scared I’ll never feel better. I miss my therapist she retired at the end of February. I like my new therapist but it’s different and I don’t feel safe with her yet I’m sure I will but I honestly feel like I need therapy more than once a week because I’m so fucked in the head but I can’t afford that so I have to suffer with what I’ve got. I feel like such a whiny little pussy I’m a fucking loser I know I have mental illness it’s not my fault but I can’t deal with it anymore. It’s a fucking cruddy hand I was dealt in life and I’m tired of it.