Scared

I’m spiraling out of control tonight I can feel myself unraveling people are telling me to go to the emergency room even a 72 hour stay but I just can’t.  I don’t want to go.  I’m so over hospital stays I don’t know if I can keep myself safe tonight or not but I’m just so burnt out.  I want to cut I want to hurt myself I deserve to be hurt I deserve the punishment.  March was 1 year since I had a hospital stay I don’t want to ruin it now.  I have things to do I have an Easter parade tomorrow and rehearsal on Monday I can’t miss those things being in a hospital.  But at the same time I don’t even know if I can hold myself together to get there.

I’m a fucking loser I can’t hold down a job I’ve been in graduate school for 4 years and haven’t finished yet.  I have one friend and she’s not allowed to see me because of her psycho sociopath husband.  I’ve been in fear and terror ever since he came storming into the restaurant we were at on Sunday and then he called me somehow got my phone number I didn’t leave my house the next day in fear that he was going to be outside waiting for me with a gun.  All of my other “friends” ditched me when I had a mental breakdown.  But at the same time I hate people they give me anxiety and they make me mad I don’t want to be around people.  If someone invites me out I feel like a burden and an outsider always looking in from the outside never a part of the group.

I spent most of today crying I was a fucking mess everything that I’ve been penting up came vomiting out of my mouth to my best friend today she doesn’t need to hear my shit she almost died the other night from a seizure her husband is abusive her kids have special needs she is the one who has problems in her life not me it would be easier if I just wasn’t alive anymore that way I could stop being a burden on people.  I feel like I was making her mad because I was upset and she feels it was her fault because her psycho husband made me upset it’s not her fault he’s a fucking psycho.  So we were almost arguing over whose fault it wasn’t because we both wanted to take the blame and deny the other person’s fault.  My head feels heavy I can’t keep it up my stomach hurts I’m shaking and cold I want to throw up I just feel like crap right now physically and mentally.  I feel myself shutting down I am tired of wearing a mask that says everything is alright even though things were starting to feel better every time I take one step forward I take three steps back.  I will never get ahead in life I will always be a fucking loser.

I’m tired of feeling this way I’m scared I’ll never feel better.  I miss my therapist she retired at the end of February.  I like my new therapist but it’s different and I don’t feel safe with her yet I’m sure I will but I honestly feel like I need therapy more than once a week because I’m so fucked in the head but I can’t afford that so I have to suffer with what I’ve got.  I feel like such a whiny little pussy I’m a fucking loser I know I have mental illness it’s not my fault but I can’t deal with it anymore.  It’s a fucking cruddy hand I was dealt in life and I’m tired of it.

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About gabe126

I'm a 29 year old gay trans guy who lives in Philadelphia. Gabe is not my real name, well, it's my middle name, but for anonymity's sake, let's go with that. I hold bachelor's degrees in both music and special education, and I am currently 2 semesters away from graduating with my masters in special education and autism studies. I am disabled due to severe mental illness (bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, and OCD). I play the trombone and piano, although it's been a few years since I seriously touched a piano. I have 5 tattoos and another one planned, I just don't have the money right now. Derek Jeter, former Yankee's shortstop, is my husband.
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5 Responses to Scared

  1. Gabe, I hate having to “like” this but I want you to know that you have my support. Do. Not. Stop. Fighting my fellow warrior. You are not crazy. You are not a loser. You are not all those awful things you think about yourself. It is the illness. I have survived through it. I deal with keeping it at bay and wonder when the heck the floor is going to drop our from under me. Please call me if you need a friend to talk to 1.757.769.5278. I will listen out of empathy and knowing exactly how you’re feeling. I pray that you will find release and peace tonight and go unharmed my friend.

    -Chris

    • gabe126 says:

      Thank you for your kind words I am trying to keep fighting it is just that I am so tired of fighting everyday I want to give up sometimes. Some days are better than others and this past week has been rotten and is only getting worse. I will probably go to bed soon hopefully with all my meds I will be able to sleep tonight.

  2. Ana for Life says:

    I know how you feel. I can’t find a job, so I’m doing nothing with my life. I have no friends left, at least none that I can even share anything with. I just want the hurtful words to stop flooding my ears. I don’t want to cut myself, but its the only relief I can find. I just want to sleep without thinking. I’m so tired and it’snot even from a lack of sleep. I just want someone to be interesting in anything I might have to say or think. Never going to happen but it’s my last burning hope. I should say stay strong, but words aren’t really helpful when the world is crumbling around you.

  3. Masqued says:

    You gotta do what YOU gotta do to be healthy. Don’t let temporary commitments get in the way of taking care of you. If your friends are telling you to check into the hospital, they are only trying to do for you what you are trying to do for your friend in the abusive relationship. Maybe you can’t get through to her in words, but if you can model self-care, and make a commitment to finding more stability and health for yourself, maybe you can get through to her by example.

    It is not an easy path, but isolation will only make it harder. Hang in there.

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