Been feeling slightly better over the course of the past few days compared to Saturday. I am still struggling with the depression of course, as that never has gone away, and all the negative thoughts that come with it, but I’m feeling a bit more stable and safer now, which is good. I see my therapist on Friday and my psychiatrist next week and I updated both of them about what happened on Saturday so they are in the loop. I continue to take my meds every day and go to the gym but I really don’t have anything else going on during the day so I tend to get bored and then my mind starts wandering and it wanders into bad places.
I made myself get up on Sunday because my band was participating in an Easter parade in the city it was the 84th annual bunny hop parade. Playing music always makes me feel good so I went, plus I knew I had committed to it and I couldn’t bail out. We played the goddamn Bunny Hop song at least 25 times in a row without stopping, it was only a 4 block parade but it was more of a saunter than a march. As we played the Bunny Hop over and over and over again swarms of people dressed up as bunnies and kids and their parents hopped behind us. It was… interesting. The weather was nice, good enough to just be wearing a t-shirt. I actually felt calmer after playing. Also had rehearsal Monday night and I felt good throughout all of that. Again, I know playing music makes me feel better.
Last night I went to my sobriety group and there was only 3 of us there so we decided to forego the meeting and go to Chinatown for dinner instead. It was something I haven’t done in a long time, gone out with people to a restaurant and act like a normal human being. We had fun and the food was good, apart from the pouring rain and the 30 degree temperature drop (of course I was wearing shorts) it was a good night.
Today I decided to be responsible and go to City Hall to get new copies of my name change document from 2008 since I lost the original. I never got my birth certificate changed after my top surgery, and I don’t have a passport anymore, and I figured I should actually take care of those things. My surgeon’s letter that states I am legally male expires in October so I want to get it done before that. I ended up wasting 2 bus tokens and 2 hours of my life instead. Apparently the judicial records office couldn’t find me in their system, and I didn’t have the court case number with me because I didn’t know I needed it. There were 4 other people with my name but none of the addresses matched. So they sent me to a different room, and the woman working there could clearly care less about my inquiries, so she wasn’t much of a help but her answer was the same, she couldn’t find me. I got the name change done at City Hall, I even remember having to show up to court and how scared I was when I went back in 2008/09 whenever it was. Of course it ended up being a breeze because Philadelphia is really awesome. So I went all the way to City Hall for absolutely nothing. Came home and found the documents that have the case number, and now I have to go back and try again. When I called this morning to find out the cost to get the new document, I wanted to know if they would do it over the phone and then I could just come and get it but the lady said no, and had she said yes, I would have avoided this whole waste of a day. I also lost my social security card but that will be for another day.
Tomorrow I have therapy group in the afternoon, and I will probably go back to City Hall after that and try to resolve this whole situation. I could have really used my group last week because it was the day after my friend’s husband called me but we meet every other week and last week was an off week. So I will have a lot to share tomorrow, because my group has been following along my friend’s situation and they are all concerned for her and me as well.
I’m just really bored right now I don’t have a lot to do and that’s when the depression sets in I can only spend so much time on my computer before I start to feel antsy but I don’t feel like doing anything else because I’ve lost interest in practically everything else in my life. I know my therapist and I have a lot to talk about on Friday. Since I just started seeing her in March we have been talking about my history a lot so she can get to know me better, and last week she was going to give me 15 minutes to talk about whatever I wanted and then we were going to talk about my history. Well I started telling her about my friend and her husband and all of a sudden the hour was up. Oops. I really thought I was only talking for 15 minutes but I managed to talk for an entire hour. There’s just a lot going on in my head right now and I can’t manage it myself which is obviously why I have a therapist but since we’re new to each other that adds an additional challenge.
I just had to change my insurance provider because my PCP no longer takes the one I had. I am on medical access/welfare insurance and I guess they have different providers within that so all I had to do was call them and they changed it and today I got a “welcome packet” that explains everything. It really made me think that I am actually lucky to be poor and disabled. Almost everything on my insurance is covered, and I can go to anywhere I want. My prescriptions (all 8 of them) are either $0, $1, or $3. Today I picked up 4 prescriptions and paid $0. I can’t even imagine how much I would be paying otherwise. Not that I like being poor or disabled, of course, but I look at what other people have to pay for insurance and I realize how lucky I am at least in that sense. I mean I can’t make ends meet, which is why I don’t have to pay anything for my medical care, so there is a negative aspect to it of course. They are also trying to close out my case manager and my psychiatrist doesn’t want that to happen so she filled out a form for me and I managed to hold onto it for almost a whole month and then 2 days before I had to give it to someone I lost it. Go me.
I haven’t talked to my friend a lot this week. We talked on Sunday and she thought I was shutting down from her and she started to get upset, and I told her I wasn’t even though I kind of was. I know it’s wrong but a small part of me wants to walk away I know I am just so tired emotionally from helping her But I never will because she is my best friend and I care too deeply for her to ever leave her side, I just need to get over myself. I guess things are going okay for her now or she would have said otherwise. Another “honeymoon period” I guess.