4/10/15

Back to feeling like complete shit the depression is eating away at me.  I feel nauseous and sick to my stomach, cold, and like my heart is racing a thousand miles an hour.  I just want to crawl into bed and never wake up again.  I’m scared I don’t know what happened I was actually improving for the first time ever and now I’m sinking back down.  I saw my therapist today and I left feeling kind of upset and triggered she wants to talk about the trauma I experienced when I was 14 and my best friend died in a car accident.  I attribute that incident to the beginning of my downfall, although I struggled with anger and an oppressive household (ie not allowed to show emotions) prior to that, his death was really the beginning of the end.  I didn’t want to talk about it today so we didn’t, but now it’s on my mind.  Part of me doesn’t want to explore it because I don’t want to get better.  I’ve never been anything BUT depressed so it’s all I know.  I’ve never been happy, I’ve never experienced joy or fun or anything like that.  I have experienced a lot of pain and suffering and I continue to do so.

Yesterday at therapy group I was sharing about what happened with my friend and our group leader told me I should take advantage of her not being able to drive for 6 months (due to her seizure) and distance myself from her for her safety and my safety.  I said she is my only friend, and he said it’s better to be alive and make new friends then to be shot in the face by your only friend’s psycho husband.  While there is truth in that I just can’t leave her but because she can’t drive I am not going to get to see her for the next 6 months.  I feel kind of selfish for being upset over it, after all she was the one who almost died from a seizure, and she is the one who can’t drive, and now she will be trapped in her house reliant on her abusive husband for the next 6 months.  But I still feel like shit over it because the summer is now ruined, I have no other friends and I am super lonely to begin with, and seeing her was the only relief to that and now I won’t be seeing her at all.  6 months is a long time.  I don’t know how to make new friends I don’t like being around most people they make me angry and give me anxiety.  I always feel like an outsider when I’m around people, especially new people, and I end up feeling depressed why would I want to subject myself to that?

I want to reach out for help but I always feel like a burden on people and I know they are sick and tired of hearing about my depression.  I didn’t say anything to my friend tonight because she is just going to apologize because she feels responsible for it because of her husband and I keep telling her it’s not her fault.  I feel like I lay everything on her and my brother and that’s not fair but at the same time I don’t have a lot of people to rely on and the more I hold this all in the worse I feel.  I really wish therapy was longer than an hour or we could meet more than once a week because I’m just not getting enough services right now but I can’t afford anymore than what I’m currently doing.  I always hate when I leave therapy because it’s the longest period of time between my next session and I hate having to wait for it.

Living with depression/bipolar disorder has made me so fucking tired I’m tired of living I’m tired of all of this shit.  Nobody really understands what I’m going through I mean people who also struggle with depression kind of get it but we all experience things differently and nobody truly understands but me.  My parents think if I just “smile more” and “think happy thoughts” it will all go away.  I’m scared to tell them I’m not doing well right now because they just can’t deal with me so they pretend my problems don’t exist and that hurts.  I don’t know it’s been a year and a month since I’ve been hospitalized maybe I do need to go back and recharge so to speak.  I feel shame when I am hospitalized because I feel like a freak with mental issues that I am constantly institutionalized from the monster inside my head.  Depression has rotted me from the inside out I no longer feel like a human being I am just a shell of a human being but I never truly knew myself because it started so young all I’ve known is depression.  I’m tired of having to take meds twice a day I’m at the pharmacy multiple times a week getting refills.  I just try to make it through each day but I have nothing to do so I sit and think all day long and it makes me more depressed because my head is not a safe place to be.  My therapist wants to try to get me to go out more and maybe volunteer somewhere but I just want to stay in my apartment but I know that won’t help me get better.

I just took a Klonopin I probably should have earlier but hopefully it will relieve some of my symptoms right now especially the anxiety I’m feeling.  I just wish all this pain would go away.

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About gabe126

I'm a 29 year old gay trans guy who lives in Philadelphia. Gabe is not my real name, well, it's my middle name, but for anonymity's sake, let's go with that. I hold bachelor's degrees in both music and special education, and I am currently 2 semesters away from graduating with my masters in special education and autism studies. I am disabled due to severe mental illness (bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, and OCD). I play the trombone and piano, although it's been a few years since I seriously touched a piano. I have 5 tattoos and another one planned, I just don't have the money right now. Derek Jeter, former Yankee's shortstop, is my husband.
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2 Responses to 4/10/15

  1. Depression sucks. I have struggled with this off and on most of my life. People who have not been there do not understand what it is like. I have felt like a burden, no one cared, and like a piece of shit. But all is this a lie. For me, I kind of think that depression can be addicting. That depression and addiction possibly are similar. I know one fed the other for me.

    My demons or rodents that run around in my head are tamed by writing, doing routine, and moving. I think the idea about volunteering is could work.

  2. I agree. It’s hard to do stuff when you’re depressed, but I think it’s better in the long run. Life has been rough for you, but hang on, don’t believe the lies. Something good is waiting for you

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