4/13/15

I can’t handle the pain anymore.  I just can’t deal with this I want it to all go away I want everyone to leave me alone and let me hide forever stop asking me how I’m doing because I’m tired of lying “I’m good” or “I’m fine” I’m tired of putting on the masks but nobody wants to see the real me that’s why I’m lonely and without friends.  I don’t know if I can make it til Friday when I see both my psychiatrist and therapist.  I’m scared of my mind and what it does to me and what it tells me my life is getting out of control and I can’t stop it.  That voice that urges me to hurt myself is back full force I want it to shut up.  I don’t want to go to the emergency room or the crisis center it’s a waste of time they can’t do anything for me they’ll just commit me to the hospital, I’ll spend a week there, get out and everything will be the same again.  That’s how it always is.  My life will never change for the better I have to accept that I am fucked up but I can’t deal with the monsters in my head if I kill myself everything will stop I just want it all to stop.  This depression is just eating away at me day in and day out.  My body feels so heavy my body hurts I can barely move.  I forced myself to go to band rehearsal tonight I seriously did not want to be there at all getting out and being around people just made me feel worse.

I’m getting annoyed with my friend I don’t want to say that but I am she is convinced her husband is changing for the better and if she didn’t think it was safe to be around him she wouldn’t be there which is bullshit because she has told me so many times that she does not feel safe there.  He is an abuser and always will be he is not changing it is all an act.  And I don’t want her to be hurt when she finds out it’s all been an act.  I don’t know if we necessarily got into an argument on Sunday but I felt like I made her mad and now I just want to be left alone to curl up in my bed and die I wish I didn’t have to be here I wish I wasn’t born that way I’d have never had to deal with this shit and I wouldn’t have any people I’d be letting down if I do choose to end it someday.

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About gabe126

I'm a 29 year old gay trans guy who lives in Philadelphia. Gabe is not my real name, well, it's my middle name, but for anonymity's sake, let's go with that. I hold bachelor's degrees in both music and special education, and I am currently 2 semesters away from graduating with my masters in special education and autism studies. I am disabled due to severe mental illness (bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, and OCD). I play the trombone and piano, although it's been a few years since I seriously touched a piano. I have 5 tattoos and another one planned, I just don't have the money right now. Derek Jeter, former Yankee's shortstop, is my husband.
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2 Responses to 4/13/15

  1. Paul Falcone says:

    Just stumbled across your blog, and as someone who fights both depression and anxiety I know all too well what these thoughts are like. I’ve been plagued with constant noise in my head that won’t ever stop. And I’d be lying if I said there weren’t days that I wanted to be dead. But, you are strong, and continue to get stronger every day. You’ve made it this far. And there are bad days. Sometimes a lot. Sometimes months worth. Sometimes a year. I’ve been there for al of those. And I know how helpless and alone that could feel. But I promise mindsets can change, even when they feel like they can’t. I know I’m just some stranger on the internet, but now you are not alone and you are loved. Keep fighting the fight. I believe in you.

    I run a blog on mental illness called “Dear Hope” with pieces I think you would run a lot of solace in. It’s a community of writers and contributors who share their stories just like what you’re going through. You are not alone. And if you ever want to talk shoot me a message.

    wemsutbebroken.wordpress.com

  2. Paul Falcone says:

    wemustbebroken.wordpress.com *

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