The “Joys” of Bipolar

I seriously hate having bipolar disorder.  After 3 weeks of some of the most insufferable depression I’ve had in a long time, almost to the brink of hurting myself or going to the hospital, I woke up yesterday feeling great and as if a switch had turned on inside my head that turned the depression off and it was as if nothing had ever happened.  That is what caused me to be diagnosed as bipolar in the first place – this kept happening, either with depressive or manic episodes, and then I’d come back and “even out” so to speak, and it was like the previous feelings had vanished and I completely forgot how I was feeling before.  It fucking sucks, and it makes no sense to me because I know what triggered my depression (the situation with my friend), and the situation is not resolved, yet the depression has gone away.  I saw both my psychiatrist and therapist today and my psych said that is the chemical imbalance in my head that does that, and because I’m finally on the right(ish) medications it brought me back to an even keel.  Not as quickly as I’d like, obviously, 3 weeks of depression was a long time, but my psych was considering upping my Effexor a bit but the last time she did that I ended up going manic.  She decided not to touch my meds since I came out of the depression on my own.

I also had a really good session with my therapist, I am really coming to like her I am glad my previous therapist set us up together.  It also really helps that she is trans because we have that added connection there too. so if trans stuff comes up I don’t have to further explain myself, she gets it.  She wants me to write myself a note/letter well, two actually, one to my depressed self, and one to my manic self, telling each one how to handle the situation and remind myself that it is a temporary cycle and I will come out of it.  The depression more than the mania, I always feel as if I am never going to get better.  I kind of enjoy the mania, most people do, except for when I don’t sleep, which is typical of when I’m manic.  She wants me to really think about how I write it, and the tone I write it in, so I am appealing to the depressed/manic person, not the stable person I am at the moment, so it will be challenging and interesting to think about.  I already know that for the depression letter I can’t give myself directions because I won’t follow them when I’m depressed, so just explaining to myself that everything will be okay will be better.  I might be better off with directions for the manic letter, as I will be so energized and doing things.

Yesterday I had an appointment at the ENT to address my constant nosebleeds.  It was my first time going to an ENT and it was really weird.  They sprayed some misty stuff up my nostrils which numbed my nose and throat and then the doctor stuck a long rubber camera tube up my nose so far I felt pressure on my eyeball.  It was certainly an awkward and uncomfortable feeling.  Of course since the day I scheduled the appointment, I have not had one nosebleed, so right now there is nothing he can do.  He also wants me to schedule a sleep study because of my snoring, so that will be interesting.  I have the consult next week and have to fill out a 13 page packet of information before I go, lovely.

I’m having a bit of a problem right now though I love getting tattoos and I’ve been wanting to get a Batman tattoo for a long time.  I finally decided to get it and I put together some ideas and went and talked to my tattoo artist about it because I want him to draw it.  I was going to get it on my right upper arm, but because I have so many scars from cutting over the years he said the scars would not work with this particular tattoo, although he could tattoo over the scars with something else.  So we decided on the front of my left leg.  I didn’t realize how much it was going to be – $900!!  He said it will probably take about 6 hours, and it’s $175 an hour but since I’ve been a customer there for a few years he was cutting me a bit of a discount.  I scheduled it for the end of May.  I was super excited, and I told my brother and my best friend about it, and they both got kind of pissed about how much money I was going to spend and spoke out against it.  I let it go and thought about it some more, and decided how I am going to pay for it.  Since they let you split it and use credit cards, I will put $500 on my credit card (the max) and pay the rest with cash, which would be $400 plus at least $100 in tips so I’m looking at breaking $1000.  Then over the next few months I will pay off the credit card, so I am spreading the payment out and not doing it all at once.  I was sharing this with my brother tonight, and he seriously spoke out against me doing it.  I get $865 a month from disability, and my dad pays my rent and car insurance (he insists, I offered to contribute but he said no – that is how my parents prove they “love” me, by giving me money).  My parents also give me a $125 “allowance” to supplement what I bring in from disability.  My food stamps had been cut from $194 to fucking $16, no idea why, but today I got a letter that they’re going back up to $194, so yay, at least I can save money on groceries now.  But my brother thinks I need to save my money and be responsible with it, and that yes, I do deserve a treat now and then, maybe not a treat that is so expensive.  He advised me to talk it over with some more people, so I brought it up with my best friend again, and she said she fully agrees with my brother, and that I’m almost 30 and need to grow up and start being responsible and stop relying on my parents.  The thing is part of me doesn’t want to stop relying on them, because they are offering to give me money so why would I say no?  Now I am starting to doubt myself about this tattoo and I don’t know what to do.  I really want to get it, I am going to talk with my therapist about it next week.  I know if I save my money I will be better off in the long run but it doesn’t mean I don’t want that tattoo any less.  In reality I want to move into a bigger apartment and get a dog, and I know I can’t do that if I spend my money on a $900 tattoo.  My car also needs brake work done apparently, but I’m sure my dad would give me the money for that if I asked.


About gabe126

I'm a 29 year old gay trans guy who lives in Philadelphia. Gabe is not my real name, well, it's my middle name, but for anonymity's sake, let's go with that. I hold bachelor's degrees in both music and special education, and I am currently 2 semesters away from graduating with my masters in special education and autism studies. I am disabled due to severe mental illness (bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, and OCD). I play the trombone and piano, although it's been a few years since I seriously touched a piano. I have 5 tattoos and another one planned, I just don't have the money right now. Derek Jeter, former Yankee's shortstop, is my husband.
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One Response to The “Joys” of Bipolar

  1. Bipolar DOES suck- that’s very cool about your therapist! I’m glad you can connect with her. Good luck on your tattoo!! 🙂

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