I’ve been doing some writing outside of WordPress but not much. My mood has been all over the place but mostly sticking in the anger/rage/mania? state. Anger/rage to the point my therapist asked me if I thought I needed to be institutionalized somewhere because am I going to hurt myself or somebody else. I have too much going on right now I really don’t have the time for another meltdown. This is the new therapist I started with back in March, and she is determined to find the source of my anger. I can’t heal without healing the anger/rage inside of me. No matter what triggers me, it results in me exploding with anger/rage and hurting myself either through hitting myself in the head or biting myself. I’m embarrassed to admit that, I feel like a child. I’ve been doing that for so long, even back in elementary school, that now it’s just a knee-jerk reaction when I get mad. I have to work so hard to control myself if I’m in front of others and I get mad. When I’m alone, I just let loose and beat the crap out of myself. My therapist has been having me do a lot of writing about my past to try to figure out what’s going on and what the underlying source is.
At my last session with her on Friday, we were discussing my impulsiveness (thanks bipolar) and my extensive binge-spending, and how I used to binge drink and when I got sober, that addictive behavior just turned into binge eating and binge spending instead of drinking. She believes that the impulsiveness also has to do with my anger/rage and my reactions to things. My binge spending is so bad by the 10th of July, I had spent $500 of my $865 I get for disability each month. How the hell did that happen, I don’t even know. And I haven’t slowed down, after my appointment with her I went to Best Buy to pick up something I needed for my GPS and I ended up spending $90 on crap I don’t need.
A few days before my therapy session, I think it was Tuesday, I had gone out to the diner for dinner, and I was driving home down a 2 lane “highway” (45 mph) and there was a disabled car in the left lane so the cars in the right lane were letting the other cars merge in alternately like you would any other time cars need to merge, and this asshole in a huge pickup truck was determined not to let me merge, so I honked at him, then got really mad and sped around him and looked at him and he was pointing something at me and I thought it was a gun, then he pulled around me and started screaming at me to “pull over” and that he was going to “kick my ass” and I suddenly got scared and realized this guy was insane. I gave him the finger and said “Fuck you” which only enraged him more, then he sped off and cut a whole bunch of cars off and went through an intersection, and I thought he was gone, but he was waiting for me on the other side and he pulled in behind me and started following me. I decided at this point to ignore him and hoped he turned, I was not going to drive to my house, I was either going to call the police or drive to the police station, but he eventually turned and I went home.
As my therapist made a point that I hadn’t even realized, this is what I do to others on a daily basis. I have no control of my anger/rage, and driving seems to be a significant trigger for me. But this time I was on the receiving end of it, and it scared the crap out of me. You would think I would have learned something, but no, as soon as I left therapy I got into an altercation with this dick who tried to cut me off and turn left in front of me nearly INCHES before I hit him, and I slammed on my brakes and blocked him in the intersection and started screaming at him, and he was fucking LAUGHING which only enraged me more, and I was seconds away from getting out of my car and beating the crap out of him but something internal stopped me. Then later, I was waiting in line at Rite Aid, and had been waiting for like 10 minutes because everybody was arguing prices (*rolls eyes*) and this old hag who was walking around the store shopping had decided she was going to “save” her space in line with a bag of diapers then try to cut the line when I was next to go, and I spoke up and told her no way, and she started arguing with me that she had been waiting in line (she hadn’t) and I stood up for myself and started to get really angry again but she started cussing me out and stormed off.
My therapist seems to think I get angry when I feel people have disrespected me (like cutting me off, or the woman trying to cut in line) but I don’t know if that’s it. I know I feel like I can do no wrong and that I am perfect, and I’ve always had that air about me, whether I like it or not. I just don’t know why I can’t control my anger, I can be fine one moment, having a really good day, then suddenly I’m exploding and trying not to tear myself apart over the actions of someone else, or even just the perceived actions of somebody else (like they may not be trying to intentionally upset me, but I take it personally).
So there’s that… my depression has been eh, like right now I’m just feeling really lonely because I really don’t have anybody in my life to spend time with. My best friend (and only friend, for that matter) has stopped hanging out with me, even though we talk online everyday, her reasoning being that she sees me as the only thing that can make her happy, and she used to rely on me too much, and after she was in the psych hospital she realized she has to make due with what she has and she can’t get herself to rely on me anymore. So apparently that means she doesn’t want to hang out anymore, and that really hurts. I don’t do anything except sit on my computer all day long and read political articles and then go out and spend money I shouldn’t be. So because of all this loneliness I have decided to look into getting an Emotional Support Animal (ESA), which can be prescribed through my psychologist. An ESA is different from a service animal in that it is not trained to do anything specific but it’s therapeutic purpose is companionship and they are prescribed for individuals disabled from mental illness, so I definitely qualify. The good thing is having an ESA can override a lease that says no pets (my lease says no pets). However, there are some ways a landlord can still say no, such as if you live somewhere with 4 or less units and the landlord occupies one of the units – Great, that’s the building I live in, so technically he can still say no. I am going to talk with my psychiatrist about it on Tuesday, she would be required to write a letter anyway. I just don’t want to upset my landlord or piss him off because he’s a really good guy and I don’t want to be evicted or have to move because I just don’t have the emotional or mental strength to do that right now.
I know I’m getting my hopes up way too soon and fast, I was looking at dogs on the local SPCA website last night, and I even printed out the application and filled it out. I know if this doesn’t work out I’m going to end up even more lonely and depressed. The spark that ignited all of this depression (that lasted for 3 years before slowly letting me come back up above water) was having to give up my dogs. My former therapist attributed my first major mental breakdown 100% to that. I know some of my loneliness will go away having a furry friend to spend time with.
On top of all of this I am working with a new doctor to get a hysterectomy done, because being on testosterone injections puts me at a higher risk for cervical and ovarian cancer, and it’s highly recommended that I have it all removed, which I am 100% happy to do. It will also lower my estrogen levels to basically zero, which is fine by me! The more I get rid of the female parts of me the happier I will be. He wants to do it in August, I am just waiting on hearing back from his office in regards to my insurance, because I can’t do it if it’s not covered. It’s a really cool place I went to, it’s at my psychiatrist’s hospital and it’s a lesbian/bisexual/trans male OB-GYN program, where all of the staff is LGBT and they work with people in my community to make them feel safer when getting necessary evaluations done (People in the LGBT community tend to avoid getting things like PAP smears or prostate exams done because of gender dysphoria). The appointment was great and the staff was beyond welcoming, it was a breath of fresh air. I am trying to ask my mom to come for the day of the surgery and she’s trying to give an excuse that she probably has to work, but this is major surgery and she’s a nurse and I want her there! Plus I’m going to need rides to and from the hospital, kinda sucks when you don’t have any friends. I’ll need 4-6 weeks of no heavy lifting and recovery time, because they will be making a large incision in my abdomen. Also, unfortunately I will need to take at least 4 weeks of no trombone playing, which means I’ll miss the beginning of concert band season. I probably won’t be able to carry my brass horn around the city anyway, that thing weighs close to 20 lbs. I have a plastic horn I use for marching band so I can always bring that.
This upcoming weekend I am driving up to Rochester, NY for my grandmother’s 94th birthday and my aunt’s 64th birthday. We had a big party when they turned 90 and 60 a few years ago, and since my aunt and uncle from California will be in NY for my aunt’s high school reunion we decided to throw another party! I am looking forward to seeing my family because they live all over the country and I rarely get to see them, and they are not annoying like my dad’s family. My dad won’t even be there, he’s staying home with the dog. So my brother and I will be staying at my aunt’s house, my mom and my other aunt will be sharing a hotel room. So I get to hang out with my aunt’s dogs too (they bark too much though lol). Not really looking forward to the drive, it’s like a 5 hour drive, but it will be worth it. Thursday my brother and I are going to 6 Flags for the day which I’m super excited about, hopefully the weather will be nice. The following weekend my best friend and I are driving up to my parent’s for the day to celebrate my 3 year sobriety anniversary by going out to dinner, plus my friend really wants to meet my parent’s puppy (the 90 lb 9 month beast lol). Then the weekend after that I am most likely dog-sitting for him while my parents go away, then hopefully after that will be my surgery. On top of all of this I am doing summer school, I only have a few more classes before I get my masters (Spring 2016) and I had taken a few years off due to my mental health but last month was my first class back and I got an A! So yeah, lots going on, I just wish I could get my mental health under control, but I don’t think that will ever happen.