Everything feels like it’s come to a halt today, or over the past week. I feel like I am falling apart and spinning out of control and that the world won’t stop and I just want to get off. I’m exhausted and I’m tired of faking a smile and pretending that I’m okay. I just had to do that for 4 days while visiting my family in New York and I came home and crashed and slept for 14 hours that night. This was a better visit for me though compared to the past few times I drove to Rochester where I immediately crashed after getting there and slept the whole weekend I was there and isolated myself in my room at my aunt’s house. At least this time I was able to be social. It was a nice trip, I enjoy spending time with my family, but I just had so much on my mind and nobody to talk to.
So let’s start with today’s crushing news. So far everything regarding my upcoming hysterectomy was going great. The insurance company did not say no initially, and they requested a letter of medical necessity from my psychiatrist, and she submitted that on Monday. My mom has agreed to come for my surgery, granted I am able to schedule it in September since she can’t get off of work in August. So today I was having a decent day, went out to lunch, then around 4:45 I get a phone call from my insurance company. They have decided to decline my hysterectomy. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Why wait til now? Why not deny it initially and not let me build up all this fucking hope? I started bawling on the phone and I honestly think the woman felt bad for me. I was unable to breathe when I hung up the phone and I was shaking and I started punching myself in the head while bawling my eyes out. I immediately called my doctor and he actually answered instead of his receptionist, and he already knew, and he actually calmed me down really fast and told me that he will not be taking no for an answer, and that he is going to fight and advocate for me until it goes through because it is unacceptable to him that they rejected this. He said he is going to call first thing in the morning and request to speak to the medical director of my insurance company. He also said he is going to personally call Rachel Levine, PA’s new physician general who also happens to be a trans woman. I am on state insurance, so that is something that she would have control over. So I am feeling a bit calmer now, but I am still devastated. I know it’s not over yet, but I just wish I hadn’t gotten my hopes up this high.
So on top of that I seem to have been abandoned by my best friend, the one I’ve written about in the past with the abusive husband. I think I wrote about her husband following us to a restaurant back in February(?) maybe March. He made a big scene and then threw her out of the house and then got my phone number and started calling me and it was a huge mess and well apart from one night in June where we took her son to his first concert but it was too much for him (he has autism) so she took him down by the food court so I didn’t even see her, we haven’t hung out or seen each other since that night at the restaurant. So one night she messages me on Facebook and asks if I’m disappointed in her and I didn’t know what she meant so I asked her to clarify, and she asked if I was disappointed in her as a friend. I said no, but I miss her a lot and wish we could see each other more. Her explanation was that “I make her happy, and I’m the only thing that makes her happy, and she’s relied on me too much in the past and she has to get used to the fact that her life is not happy and she just can’t be around me anymore”. I was crying so much I felt so hurt. I know thinking rationally this is her husband coming out of her mouth, that he has convinced her after 15 years of abuse that she does not deserve good things or things that make her happy, but I feel like I’m being abandoned or dumped, just like I was by all my other so-called friends in the past. So then on top of that, months ago we had made plans for this upcoming weekend to celebrate my 3rd sobriety anniversary, as we celebrated my first two together as well. Well last week she canceled on me. She said she doesn’t feel safe leaving her son alone with her husband, which I understand. But I still feel sad and hurt. But part of me also feels like I’m being selfish. My mom said I’m allowed to feel sad though. I’ve been feeling so hurt I haven’t talked to her since last Wednesday now. I am scared I am going to say something I regret. I don’t want to be mean to her but I am so impulsive I don’t always think before I speak, so right now I think it’s better if I don’t say anything at all.
So now I’m basically down to 0 friends. I have acquaintances, yes, and on occasion after band rehearsal I might go out to dinner with some of them, but they’re not people I can call when I need help or when I’m feeling depressed/suicidal. Now I have nobody to call when I’m feeling that way. I feel so alone right now. I feel like shit and that nobody likes me and it’s all because I am so fucked up mentally. In fact my therapist wants me to be evaluated for a traumatic brain injury because she thinks I might have one from beating myself in the head over all these years on top of a concussion in 2011. How the fuck am I supposed to explain that one to my family? They already don’t want to talk about my mental illness and they think I’m fucking nuts. I’m so ashamed of myself and embarrassed of who I am and what I’ve done to myself over the course of my life.
So on top of all of this I got to spend my entire weekend (Friday-Monday) with my family as they drank themselves silly. While my mom’s family is nicer when they drink, they still drink a lot. My brother played “bartender” and was making all sorts of cocktails for himself and my uncle, and it was really triggering to be around because it was nonstop and he was making lots of gin and tonics which was my drink back when I was drinking. I don’t know how to speak up for myself when I’m feeling uncomfortable, but I also feel that I shouldn’t be imposing my fucked up needs on my entire family when they are trying to have fun. At least I found a sober friend who is going to celebrate with me this weekend for my anniversary, so I am going to try to have fun doing that. He and I haven’t seen each other in a few years even though we communicate online frequently, so that will be nice to see him.