8/9/15

It’s been 15 years since I was first diagnosed with depression and 3 years since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and it will never go away. I don’t know what it’s like to feel human. I don’t know what it’s like to feel good. I don’t even know who *I* am because my depression started so young and at a key developmental stage in my life I’ve only known myself as someone with mental illness and being nearly 30 years old feels like it’s too late to create someone new. Every day is the same thing over and over again. Wake up, Facebook, doctor appointments, Facebook, bed. Do it all over again. All the people I thought cared about my ditched me in my greatest time of need, leaving me alone by myself with my thoughts, and my head is a dangerous place to be. My parents don’t understand it and think that if I just “smile more” I’ll feel better. I’m tired of the idea that I’ll have to be medicated for the rest of my life just to stay alive. Sometimes all I want is someone to give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be alright, even if it isn’t. ‪#‎TheWorstPartOfDepressionIs‬ living it every day.

https://www.distractify.com/racheldicker-difficult-truths-about-depression-1288354186.html

I don’t even know what I want anymore or who I am.  I am just tired of feeling this way.  My anger is so out of control.  I was having a really nice weekend and I went out to lunch and I was driving home and this woman cut me off like seriously cut me off and nearly ran me off the road and she fucking knew I was there and then she flipped me off and I just lost it she even had a kid in the car and I just didn’t care.  I go from 0 to like 1,000 in a flash and I don’t know why or how.  I’m terrified I am going to end up harming or killing somebody and going to jail and ruining my life and having to live with the guilt of that for the rest of my life.  I don’t want to be like this.  I’m going to be assessed for a traumatic brain injury (between the concussion I got in 2011 and the non-stop beating of myself since childhood) but they couldn’t fit me in until the end of October.  I’m completely out of control and the outbursts come without warning it’s not even like I feel myself starting to get angry and I can calm myself down.

For the past few weeks I thought about going back to the hospital but at the same time there’s really nothing they can do for me.  My psychiatrist wants to get me into DBT, which I’ve been trying to for years but all the programs are always full.  So we’re going to try again.  I know it’s really helpful for people like me.

I don’t know right now…that’s all I can think of to write.  I’m just feeling really bad right now.

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About gabe126

I'm a 29 year old gay trans guy who lives in Philadelphia. Gabe is not my real name, well, it's my middle name, but for anonymity's sake, let's go with that. I hold bachelor's degrees in both music and special education, and I am currently 2 semesters away from graduating with my masters in special education and autism studies. I am disabled due to severe mental illness (bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, and OCD). I play the trombone and piano, although it's been a few years since I seriously touched a piano. I have 5 tattoos and another one planned, I just don't have the money right now. Derek Jeter, former Yankee's shortstop, is my husband.
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