Where to start, where to start… life has been shitty and I feel like shit. How’s that for a start? Things are different compared to when I was super depressed a few years ago though, but it’s a different kind of shitty. The fact that my life is in a deep dark hole that I’m never going to get out of so why bother going on sort of shitty. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.
So first there’s the consistently piling of medical problems. I see more doctors than I know what to do with. I’ll be 30 in November and I have so many chronic medical issues I’m tired of it. First there’s all the mental health shit. Then there’s the high blood pressure, that started in 2011. I’m on two medications for that and it’s generally controlled, although the other day it was 146/100, but lately it’s been about 110/85. Tied in with that is all the nosebleeds. I started seeing an ENT and I’ve had my left nostril cauterized twice in the past 3 weeks. That FUCKING HURTS. The first time my doctor numbed my nose with local anesthetic (5 injections into my nose, OUCH) and then he used electricity and heat to cauterize it. I had tears streaming down my face (wasn’t crying, just my body’s reaction). Then it kept bleeding so I had to go back, and this time he used silver nitrate and only numbed my nose with a mist, so basically I felt everything. He said if it continues I’m going to need surgery. I go back in 3 weeks and I’ve had 3 nosebleeds since. Also with the ENT I’ve now been diagnosed with sleep apnea. I was using a CPAP machine and while it was definitely helping me sleep, it was giving me nonstop bloating and gas. So the doctor wanted to switch me to BIPAP but I had to have another sleep study done, so now I’m on BIPAP and that is supposed to stop the bloating and gas. Only it hasn’t. So there’s that. And tied in with that is the fact that the face mask I wear for the breathing machine has fucked up my TMJ in my jaw so badly it was locked for 2 weeks and I can barely eat. Literally the entire city of Philadelphia gave me the runaround when it came to finding an oral surgeon to help me, I was on the phone for hours. My stupid insurance company was giving me doctors who didn’t take my insurance (what?) or doctors who had retired in 2004. That’s not helpful. But I finally found someone. And he told me he wants me on a soft diet for 4-6 weeks (hasn’t happened), shave my beard because it will help with the placement of the face mask (won’t happen) and he gave me some pain killers that my insurance company refuses to cover. He also said I’m not allowed to play trombone right now, and the new concert season for my band just started. So that’s all just wonderful. I was also diagnosed with high cholesterol this year and put on medication for that. My weight has gone up to 220 (although it seems to be stable at that and not going any higher) but I really don’t give a shit about exercising or eating right because I just don’t give a shit about myself.
Then there’s the mental health shit. Right. Well my mood has been all over the place. I went hypomanic a few weekends ago and was trolling the internet for sex, started chatting with this guy who ended up being crazy and thank god we didn’t meet up. He flipped out on me because I didn’t want to take a selfie of myself at the beach when I told him 5 times I had left the beach and was in a restaurant. He accused me of “catfishing him”. He was also my father’s age – something I find gross and would never do except I was manic. The anger is completely out of control. I want to fight everyone I see. I am literally feeling homicidal I think I want to put myself into the hospital but I just have so much shit going on right now regarding medical stuff I just don’t have the time. My therapist said I’m teetering on the line of her wanting to commit me herself but I haven’t said something quite bad enough I guess. We’ll see what tomorrow’s session brings. My psychiatrist recommended DBT to me again, something I tried to get into years ago but could never find an open program. Well it turns out her hospital has an open program right now, great. But I was told I will not be allowed to see my therapist or psychiatrist during this program. The program is a year long. I can’t go that long without seeing either of them, especially my psych. She promised me we will continue to see each other, as did my therapist. I don’t give a shit what this program thinks, my therapist and psychiatrist are my only support system and I need them. I go for my intake next Thursday.
School just started, I’m taking 2 classes, another reason why I don’t want to go into the hospital right now. I’m almost done with my masters, after these 2 classes I just have my thesis next semester. I really don’t want to fuck it up right now like I did a few years ago and ended up failing a class.
I’m really lonely, I don’t have any friends anymore. I occasionally chat with people on Facebook, but other than that I don’t see anybody outside of band rehearsals. I’m tired of not having friends but at the same time socializing takes too much out of me. And people I used to talk to don’t talk to me anymore. I feel like everybody hates me. All I do is spend money on shit I don’t need. I have no control over my impulsivity.
Oh and on top of that when I went to the oral surgeon he said he noticed a few white spots in my mouth and when I go back next Tuesday he wants to check them for cancer because I used to smoke. You don’t say the C-word to somebody with extreme anxiety and then say “See you in 2 weeks”. My psychiatrist said they’re probably just canker sores and she’s probably right but I don’t want to think about that. Although I guess then I could just die and be on my merry way.
I just don’t fucking care anymore. I’m tired of wasting time and money trying to better myself when nothing works. I’m tired of pretending to be okay. I’m tired of faking it and acting like I’m feeling better when I’m really not. I just want to give up.