So like I tend to do I tend to forget about this blog but I ended up here tonight. A lot has happened since my last update. I did spend a week in the psych hospital in September and I managed to get caught up with my school work pretty quickly. Both of my professors were really understanding and told me to take as much time as I needed to get caught up.
Still dealing with a lot of medical issues. The nosebleeds have stopped since the second cauterization, but my doctor decided he wants to do surgery and clip the main artery in my left nostril. That is scheduled for the beginning of December. I have to get bloodwork and a CT scan done before that so that stuff is scheduled in the coming weeks. My mom is taking off from work for 2 days and we’re getting a hotel for the night so she can take care of me. What’s interesting about that is how quickly she said she would take off from work for my nose surgery, yet when I brought up the hysterectomy she refused to get off from work. Her transphobia is showing. My psych wants me to write her a letter about that but I’m scared.
I also had an audiogram done last week because my hearing has been getting really bad over the past number of years. I did poorly on the exam and apparently I qualify for a hearing aid in my right ear. My doctor wants to have an MRI done first so that is scheduled for next week. The good news is my jaw is doing much better as is the BIPAP treatments. I’m not dealing with as much bloating and gas now. I hate using the machine though but I sleep so much better when I use it. My sleep doctor did mention doing surgery but apparently it’s quite invasive and doesn’t always fix sleep apnea. I know if I was to lose weight that would help but I’m just too fucking lazy.
I’m also fighting my insurance company to get a hysterectomy covered. The plan was to do it this past summer, and initially my insurance company never said “No”, but then they changed their minds and said that getting a hysterectomy is considered sex reassignment surgery in their eyes, which it’s totally not. It’s preventative care. I’ve been on testosterone for 7 years and ovarian cancer runs in my family, and being on T puts me at a greater risk for that sort of cancer. So I appealed and had to go to a hearing and they didn’t tell me that it was going to be like a trial, and the insurance company sent a fucking LAWYER and they expected me to “cross examine” the medical director of Medicaid WTF I was almost crying. So of course I fucked that up. So now my doctor found a lawyer who is a trans woman and she works specifically with trans clients and we met 2 weeks ago and she is going to have me be a part of a huge lawsuit she is filing on behalf of trans clients in the state! So this is fucking BIG. So we’ll see where this takes us.
I got really suicidal in September one night and started cutting again. I got in touch with my therapist and she highly recommend I go to the crisis center at the hospital so I did. They took me to the psych hospital and I spent a week there. I lost 14 lbs because the food was horrendous. I definitely think it helped and my doctor in the hospital and I talked a lot about the DBT program and he said he will be my psychiatrist while I do the program and he really wants me to do it or he’ll just continue to see me in the hospital. I know I need to do it, I’m just scared about not having my own doctors. I have agreed to do it, but I am putting it off until June because the therapist I’d have is a student and he graduates in May so I’d have to switch doctors midway through which I don’t want to do. So that gives me more time with my own doctors and to get prepared for the program.
Oh the good news is the cancer scare was not cancer, it was scar tissue apparently. Must have been from biting my tongue one too many times. But the doctor said because I used to smoke he will need to continue to check me for this stuff. Great. Oh and by the way a tongue biopsy fucking HURTS. It took so long to heal too.
School is going well, I am scheduled for my final grad school project next semester and I registered for graduation! The fucked up thing I found out a few months ago though is that my younger sister is graduating from undergrad the same weekend as me in Florida, and even though I told my parents the date of mine well before my sister did, they’ve decided they’re going to her graduation and not mine, and they really don’t seem to care and don’t understand why I’m so upset about it!! They told me to get over it because they came to my undergraduate graduation. They did, under protest, because I had just come out as trans and they didn’t want to go so they refused to come and I nearly killed myself the night before my graduation. But they deny that ever happened. Fuck that. I am hopefully going to have my aunt come but I don’t even want to go without my parents being there. I mean, they fucking paid for school. And they should realize how much shit I went through with my mental illness to get through school with a 3.80 GPA. I see how it is though.
I’m really struggling with my finances right now. This woman from a mental health company that my case worker set me up with is helping me with my finances and she added up all of my expenses from September-October, apparently I spent $910 on eating out at restaurants. WHAT. That’s more money than I get from disability. So we’re trying some things to cut down on that but I’m just struggling with it so much. And my friend was like “Just stop”. No, it’s not like that. I wish it was. She told me to stop using my mental health as an excuse and that really pissed me off. I have no coping skills and I can’t control my behavior, I really can’t. I would if I could.
On top of all of this a dear friend passed away last Tuesday. He was only 30 years old and he had a heart attack and went into a coma and never came out of it. Too damn young. I went to the funeral on Saturday, it was very nice but very sad. We’re too young to be burying our friends.
That’s about all that’s going on right now. I’ll post again in 3 months lol.