It’s been a little while since I posted, I’ve actually been quite busy and been in a good mood lately so I haven’t really felt like writing much.  I am trying to get myself used to writing when I am in a good mood as well as a bad mood so hopefully this will be come a more frequent occurrence.

I got to go on my first vacation in over 5 years this weekend.  (I don’t count going to my parent’s house in New Jersey as vacation).  Usually I go to dog-sit for them while *they* go on a real vacation.  But this weekend I got to join them in Florida because my brother was graduating from University of Florida on Sunday.  Of course because my parents are insane they booked the first flight out of the airport on Friday, leaving at 6 am, so we left my parent’s house at 3:45 am.  Shoot me.  I almost decided to just not go to bed at all since I ended up getting 2 hours of sleep.  So we flew into Tampa then drove to Gainesville, apparently that’s the best and cheapest way to do it.  So a 3 hour flight and a 2 hour drive, yay.  I slept on the plane for a little bit at least.  I was starving so we checked into the hotel and then went to get lunch at this TexMex place my parents like.  My brother was in the middle of his last final exam so when he was done we met up with him and he wanted to introduce us to a few of his favorite professors.  For the first time in my entire life, my mother actually introduced me to one of the professors as her SON.  Not her “oldest child” or “eldest child”, but her goddamn fucking SON.  This has been a severe problem area for us with me coming out as trans – my parents have not once called me their son since I came out 7 years ago, and it hurt.  I was always “the oldest child”, my brother was their “son”, and my sister was their “daughter”.  At least my parents have stopped referring to me as female, because well, they’d look like a couple of assholes being that I am hairier than a werewolf and have a full beard.  So after hearing that I was smiling like a goofball and I was trying to control myself I was so excited I had honestly never heard my mother say that before.

We walked around campus for a bit, went to my brother’s favorite bar so he could get a bite to eat.  Of course everywhere we went my parents got drinks.  I can’t say for certain if their drinking has increased over the past few years, or if it’s because I am now sober and their drinking is more obvious to me.  I always knew they drank a lot of wine, like a bottle a night with dinner.  But both of them have been really hitting the bottle (mostly beer and wine) hard over the past few years.  Like 2 bottles of champagne on Christmas morning, before 1o am (with my brother and sister too).  So that bothers me a little bit still.  Seeing them drink a lot really bothers me.  But I know they don’t respect me because honestly should I really have to say anything?  They know I have a drinking problem.  I have had friends who actually asked me if it was alright if they had a drink around me – those people care.  My parents?  Not so sure.

So then we went back to the hotel and my brother and I went swimming.  It actually wasn’t *too* hot in Florida, hotter than I like though.  Also another first for me this weekend, I took my shirt off in front of my parents for the first time since my top surgery 5 years ago!  Honestly I was more scared to take it off because I’m fat and they’re all skinny and they totally fat-shame than being scared because of my scars and my gender.  I’ve learned to own my scars, and pretty much own my fatness as well.  I go to the beach with no fear and take my shirt off and walk around with my gut hanging out, I mean I’m not huge, but I’m fat.  But it felt so affirming to me to do this I just haven’t had the chance over the past 5 years to do it so this was the first time.  Then that night we went to this Chinese restaurant across the street from my brother’s apartment and his girlfriend came, this was the first time I met her.  She is really nice, she and I totally have the same politics so my brother knew we would hit it off.  The service at the restaurant was horrible unfortunately, but the food was good once we got it.  My single goal being in Gainesville was to see an alligator while I was there (hence the U of Florida’s mascot is the gator).  We saw a baby alligator on campus, but it was kind of hiding so I only saw it’s tail.  There were some gators in the water out back of the restaurant, but by the time we got outside all I could see was the bumps on it’s head from it’s eyes and then it went back underwater.  Boo.

The best part about this trip was that my parents actually booked me my own hotel room.  My father goes to bed at 7:30 pm and I asked my mom “What am I going to do for 6 hours, sit in the dark?” and she said “Don’t worry about it, you have your own room.  You snore too much.”  Hey, whatever works!  So I brought my laptop and was able to stay up til I wanted and didn’t have to worry about being quiet, sweet.  My parents also were super chill for the first time about not making my brother and me get up early to do shit.  We agreed to meet at noon, so even though my parents got up at the butt crack of dawn and did whatever they wanted, my brother and I got to sleep in.  We went to lunch at this New Orleans style restaurant and then went to the U of Florida campus and walked around for a few hours.  I was sweating like a pig, I hate the heat.  I could never live in Florida.  Then we went back to the hotel and went swimming again.  We then went to this wings place and met up with 3 of my brother’s friends and got dinner, the wings were so good.

Sunday was graduation day and my sister drove in from Tampa and we all got brunch with one of my brother’s friends and his girlfriend.  Then we went to campus to take graduation pictures.  Surprisingly as much as it rains in Florida it didn’t rain once while we were there.  My brother had to stay on campus but my parents, sister and I went back to the hotel and I yet again went swimming lol.  Apparently my father decided that we weren’t going to have dinner (graduation started at 7) so we got to go to CVS to pick out snacks to serve as our “dinner” wtf.  I was starving the second we left brunch (welcome to the life of a fat guy).  Pretzel sticks and jelly beans for dinner?  No thanks.  I was pissed – we had brunch at noon!  There were nearly 2,000 people graduating and we figured the ceremony was going to last until 11 or midnight, but they freaking did it in 2 hours!!  My parents were super excited for my brother graduating because he dropped out of high school so they didn’t get to attend a graduation ceremony for him like they did me and my sister.  At the end of the ceremony we met up with my brother and I was mentioning again how hungry I was, and my sister didn’t want to go out to eat, and neither did my parents, but then my brother mentioned a Steak n Shake was half a block from the hotel and was 24 hours so guess where I ended up lol.  At least I got my food, I can’t go that long without eating real food.

Monday morning our flight was at least not super early, it was 9:30, but since we had to drive 2 hours to the airport we left at 5 am.  I slept in the car the entire time and for at least an hour on the plane.  Then we went to the animal hotel to pick up Sammy and he went freaking nuts when he saw us he was so excited.  When we got home he was running all over the house and jumping all over the place and drooling and barking he just didn’t know what to do with himself.  He kept grabbing toys out of the closet and placing them in the bathroom, weird dog.  I got to play with him for about half an hour and then I had to head home because I had band rehearsal at 7, luckily there was no traffic going home.  Overall it was a really good trip but I was just about ready for a break from my parents.  I can only take so much of them at once.

I was super relieved going through security at the airport because trans people have been known to have problems with the scanner or being groped by a TSA official.  My gender marker matches my outward appearance on my ID since I’ve had surgery, so that wouldn’t be a problem, but I wasn’t sure how invasive the scanners get or if someone tried to feel parts of me that should/shouldn’t be there.  Luckily the scanner took about 3 seconds and I had no problems either way.  This was only the third time I’ve flown since I started my transition, I typically drive everywhere.  One of the flights was before I had top surgery so I was wearing a chest binder then but I have never had a problem, but that doesn’t calm my anxiety about it.

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I surprisingly had a good weekend and I’ve been in a really good mood since Thursday when that damn light switch in my brain turned on and made the depression go away.  I’ve actually gone out and done stuff and not stayed cooped up in my apartment all weekend, plus the weather was really nice (too hot for my liking yesterday, it was in the mid-80’s) but today was in the mid-60’s which was much more tolerable.  I hate the heat so much, winter please come back I miss you already.

Yesterday I went to the gym and then treated myself to my first water ice of the summer.  Rita’s opened last month but I just haven’t been yet and it was delicious.  I was also on the hunt for a particular video game part of the Professor Layton series as I just finished up the newest one, but the Gamestop by me didn’t have it, so I ended up driving to the other side of the county and found two Professor Layton games!  So now I have something to keep me busy especially on the plane when I go to Florida in 2 weeks.  I then figured since I was out that way I would treat myself to the diner that I always go to and that was delicious.  It was super busy so I ended up sitting at the counter, but since it was just me I didn’t care.  It’s interesting I’ve found myself being more and more comfortable going to do things that normally involve multiple people by myself, like going to the movies or to a restaurant.  I actually just bought a single ticket to see Grace Potter, one of my favorite singers (she’s normally with a band, the Nocturnals, but she’s solo at the moment) she is coming to Camden for a festival at the end of July and she never comes to the east coast and I just had to see her but I don’t have anybody to go with me, my uncle didn’t want to come since the Nocturnals wouldn’t be there so I said fuck it I want to go and I bought myself a ticket.

Today I started music therapy again, which I freaking love.  I did it back in the fall, it’s a queer/trans music therapy group and I had so much fun last time I signed up for it again.  It was supposed to start in February but it took a while to get going again but we finally started today and it runs for 6 weeks.  Unfortunately I’ll miss one session due to being in Florida for my brother’s college graduation.  Two of the three people that were in the group last time returned, so it was good to see them, and then there were two new people.  It was a little uncomfortable in the beginning because I felt a bit vulnerable since I didn’t know everybody there but I did warm up to the activities as we went along.  I then had a rehearsal for marching band but had an hour to kill so I went to IHOP for a bite to eat and got amazing raspberry white chocolate chip pancakes holy crap.  We had marching band rehearsal for 3 hours my back was killing me by the end and still is ugh.  And add in a headache too, lovely.  Playing music always makes me feel good but I hate playing outside in the park where we rehearse because people always stare at us and take pictures/videos and sometimes make comments and the tourists sit and watch us rehearse and right now we sound like shit as it’s only our second rehearsal of the summer.  We rehearse in this park all summer long so there will be people staring at us all summer long, awesome.  I don’t care about that during a performance, of course, but when we’re trying to rehearse and people literally get in our way or annoy us and we’re supposed to be professional about it I just want to tell them to get the fuck away especially when people come up to us asking for money or something.  Also in case I haven’t mentioned this before, I freaking HATE tourists they are all over this particular part of the city because we rehearse near City Hall and everybody has to take pictures of it and the park we rehearse in has some artwork they have to take pictures of, and they’re always in my freaking way and never know where they’re going and always stop walking in the middle of the sidewalk to look at a map or a building and I just want to tell them to GET OUT OF MY CITY!!!  And on Easter after we did a parade I was walking to the subway and ended up walking up 5th street, which is right by Independence Hall and the Liberty Bell, so it is super-touristy, and I typically ignore anybody who tries to talk to me but this guy came running up to me and I figured he was a tourist and wanted directions so I stopped, and he started giving me this bullshit story about how he had to go pick up his kids and his debit card was declined and could he “borrow mine”.  How stupid do you think I am??  I take offense to that that you would think I would fall for something that obvious.  Usually people just ask for change, which I don’t carry either, but to ask me for my debit card…lmao seriously.

This week I have my typical schedule, band rehearsal, trans-sobriety group, and then I have a consult for a sleep study my doctor wants me to do because of my snoring, fun.  Next week I get to drive to my parents house and see their puppy Sam and then at freaking 6 am our flight departs to Tampa (my parents are insane and ALWAYS book the earliest flights possible).  Which means we’ll have to leave for the airport before 5 am ughhh.  Apparently Saturday my brother has already advised me he and his friends are staking out their favorite bar all day and all night because of that Manny Pacquiao/Floyd Mayweather fight, and well, being an alcoholic it certainly is not safe for me to spend an entire day in a bar, nor do I want to, so I wonder what that day will hold in store for me.  Then Sunday my brother graduates and my sister is driving in from Tampa it is going to take forever he said, plus he goes to a huge school but I wanted to be there for him.  Then Monday we fly back and the flight is at like 9 am, but we have to drive 2 hours to the airport, so again we’re leaving at like 5 am.  I already warned my mother she would be dealing with one grumpy person and she said “Then don’t come”… thanks.  My sleep schedule is opposite theirs so sharing a hotel room is going to be interesting, my father goes to bed at 7:30 pm, no joke.  He’s only 55, he’s not ancient, just insane, as he will get up at 3-4 am to run 6-7 miles.  Here’s hoping he cuts me a break and adjusts his sleep schedule a bit for my sake.

So yeah that’s my life right now the life of a bipolar man I can go from A to Z in the span of no time and it drives me up a wall but at least I’m in a good even place at the moment, I need to take advantage of these times.  Also here is a picture of Sam my parent’s 6 month old chocolate lab puppy he is already 71 lbs he is a big monster.  Apparently he dug a massive crater in the back yard last weekend.  Typical puppy.  And when he isn’t biting you or barking in your face he is a big lover.  He just has to learn his manners still.


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The “Joys” of Bipolar

I seriously hate having bipolar disorder.  After 3 weeks of some of the most insufferable depression I’ve had in a long time, almost to the brink of hurting myself or going to the hospital, I woke up yesterday feeling great and as if a switch had turned on inside my head that turned the depression off and it was as if nothing had ever happened.  That is what caused me to be diagnosed as bipolar in the first place – this kept happening, either with depressive or manic episodes, and then I’d come back and “even out” so to speak, and it was like the previous feelings had vanished and I completely forgot how I was feeling before.  It fucking sucks, and it makes no sense to me because I know what triggered my depression (the situation with my friend), and the situation is not resolved, yet the depression has gone away.  I saw both my psychiatrist and therapist today and my psych said that is the chemical imbalance in my head that does that, and because I’m finally on the right(ish) medications it brought me back to an even keel.  Not as quickly as I’d like, obviously, 3 weeks of depression was a long time, but my psych was considering upping my Effexor a bit but the last time she did that I ended up going manic.  She decided not to touch my meds since I came out of the depression on my own.

I also had a really good session with my therapist, I am really coming to like her I am glad my previous therapist set us up together.  It also really helps that she is trans because we have that added connection there too. so if trans stuff comes up I don’t have to further explain myself, she gets it.  She wants me to write myself a note/letter well, two actually, one to my depressed self, and one to my manic self, telling each one how to handle the situation and remind myself that it is a temporary cycle and I will come out of it.  The depression more than the mania, I always feel as if I am never going to get better.  I kind of enjoy the mania, most people do, except for when I don’t sleep, which is typical of when I’m manic.  She wants me to really think about how I write it, and the tone I write it in, so I am appealing to the depressed/manic person, not the stable person I am at the moment, so it will be challenging and interesting to think about.  I already know that for the depression letter I can’t give myself directions because I won’t follow them when I’m depressed, so just explaining to myself that everything will be okay will be better.  I might be better off with directions for the manic letter, as I will be so energized and doing things.

Yesterday I had an appointment at the ENT to address my constant nosebleeds.  It was my first time going to an ENT and it was really weird.  They sprayed some misty stuff up my nostrils which numbed my nose and throat and then the doctor stuck a long rubber camera tube up my nose so far I felt pressure on my eyeball.  It was certainly an awkward and uncomfortable feeling.  Of course since the day I scheduled the appointment, I have not had one nosebleed, so right now there is nothing he can do.  He also wants me to schedule a sleep study because of my snoring, so that will be interesting.  I have the consult next week and have to fill out a 13 page packet of information before I go, lovely.

I’m having a bit of a problem right now though I love getting tattoos and I’ve been wanting to get a Batman tattoo for a long time.  I finally decided to get it and I put together some ideas and went and talked to my tattoo artist about it because I want him to draw it.  I was going to get it on my right upper arm, but because I have so many scars from cutting over the years he said the scars would not work with this particular tattoo, although he could tattoo over the scars with something else.  So we decided on the front of my left leg.  I didn’t realize how much it was going to be – $900!!  He said it will probably take about 6 hours, and it’s $175 an hour but since I’ve been a customer there for a few years he was cutting me a bit of a discount.  I scheduled it for the end of May.  I was super excited, and I told my brother and my best friend about it, and they both got kind of pissed about how much money I was going to spend and spoke out against it.  I let it go and thought about it some more, and decided how I am going to pay for it.  Since they let you split it and use credit cards, I will put $500 on my credit card (the max) and pay the rest with cash, which would be $400 plus at least $100 in tips so I’m looking at breaking $1000.  Then over the next few months I will pay off the credit card, so I am spreading the payment out and not doing it all at once.  I was sharing this with my brother tonight, and he seriously spoke out against me doing it.  I get $865 a month from disability, and my dad pays my rent and car insurance (he insists, I offered to contribute but he said no – that is how my parents prove they “love” me, by giving me money).  My parents also give me a $125 “allowance” to supplement what I bring in from disability.  My food stamps had been cut from $194 to fucking $16, no idea why, but today I got a letter that they’re going back up to $194, so yay, at least I can save money on groceries now.  But my brother thinks I need to save my money and be responsible with it, and that yes, I do deserve a treat now and then, maybe not a treat that is so expensive.  He advised me to talk it over with some more people, so I brought it up with my best friend again, and she said she fully agrees with my brother, and that I’m almost 30 and need to grow up and start being responsible and stop relying on my parents.  The thing is part of me doesn’t want to stop relying on them, because they are offering to give me money so why would I say no?  Now I am starting to doubt myself about this tattoo and I don’t know what to do.  I really want to get it, I am going to talk with my therapist about it next week.  I know if I save my money I will be better off in the long run but it doesn’t mean I don’t want that tattoo any less.  In reality I want to move into a bigger apartment and get a dog, and I know I can’t do that if I spend my money on a $900 tattoo.  My car also needs brake work done apparently, but I’m sure my dad would give me the money for that if I asked.

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I can’t handle the pain anymore.  I just can’t deal with this I want it to all go away I want everyone to leave me alone and let me hide forever stop asking me how I’m doing because I’m tired of lying “I’m good” or “I’m fine” I’m tired of putting on the masks but nobody wants to see the real me that’s why I’m lonely and without friends.  I don’t know if I can make it til Friday when I see both my psychiatrist and therapist.  I’m scared of my mind and what it does to me and what it tells me my life is getting out of control and I can’t stop it.  That voice that urges me to hurt myself is back full force I want it to shut up.  I don’t want to go to the emergency room or the crisis center it’s a waste of time they can’t do anything for me they’ll just commit me to the hospital, I’ll spend a week there, get out and everything will be the same again.  That’s how it always is.  My life will never change for the better I have to accept that I am fucked up but I can’t deal with the monsters in my head if I kill myself everything will stop I just want it all to stop.  This depression is just eating away at me day in and day out.  My body feels so heavy my body hurts I can barely move.  I forced myself to go to band rehearsal tonight I seriously did not want to be there at all getting out and being around people just made me feel worse.

I’m getting annoyed with my friend I don’t want to say that but I am she is convinced her husband is changing for the better and if she didn’t think it was safe to be around him she wouldn’t be there which is bullshit because she has told me so many times that she does not feel safe there.  He is an abuser and always will be he is not changing it is all an act.  And I don’t want her to be hurt when she finds out it’s all been an act.  I don’t know if we necessarily got into an argument on Sunday but I felt like I made her mad and now I just want to be left alone to curl up in my bed and die I wish I didn’t have to be here I wish I wasn’t born that way I’d have never had to deal with this shit and I wouldn’t have any people I’d be letting down if I do choose to end it someday.

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Back to feeling like complete shit the depression is eating away at me.  I feel nauseous and sick to my stomach, cold, and like my heart is racing a thousand miles an hour.  I just want to crawl into bed and never wake up again.  I’m scared I don’t know what happened I was actually improving for the first time ever and now I’m sinking back down.  I saw my therapist today and I left feeling kind of upset and triggered she wants to talk about the trauma I experienced when I was 14 and my best friend died in a car accident.  I attribute that incident to the beginning of my downfall, although I struggled with anger and an oppressive household (ie not allowed to show emotions) prior to that, his death was really the beginning of the end.  I didn’t want to talk about it today so we didn’t, but now it’s on my mind.  Part of me doesn’t want to explore it because I don’t want to get better.  I’ve never been anything BUT depressed so it’s all I know.  I’ve never been happy, I’ve never experienced joy or fun or anything like that.  I have experienced a lot of pain and suffering and I continue to do so.

Yesterday at therapy group I was sharing about what happened with my friend and our group leader told me I should take advantage of her not being able to drive for 6 months (due to her seizure) and distance myself from her for her safety and my safety.  I said she is my only friend, and he said it’s better to be alive and make new friends then to be shot in the face by your only friend’s psycho husband.  While there is truth in that I just can’t leave her but because she can’t drive I am not going to get to see her for the next 6 months.  I feel kind of selfish for being upset over it, after all she was the one who almost died from a seizure, and she is the one who can’t drive, and now she will be trapped in her house reliant on her abusive husband for the next 6 months.  But I still feel like shit over it because the summer is now ruined, I have no other friends and I am super lonely to begin with, and seeing her was the only relief to that and now I won’t be seeing her at all.  6 months is a long time.  I don’t know how to make new friends I don’t like being around most people they make me angry and give me anxiety.  I always feel like an outsider when I’m around people, especially new people, and I end up feeling depressed why would I want to subject myself to that?

I want to reach out for help but I always feel like a burden on people and I know they are sick and tired of hearing about my depression.  I didn’t say anything to my friend tonight because she is just going to apologize because she feels responsible for it because of her husband and I keep telling her it’s not her fault.  I feel like I lay everything on her and my brother and that’s not fair but at the same time I don’t have a lot of people to rely on and the more I hold this all in the worse I feel.  I really wish therapy was longer than an hour or we could meet more than once a week because I’m just not getting enough services right now but I can’t afford anymore than what I’m currently doing.  I always hate when I leave therapy because it’s the longest period of time between my next session and I hate having to wait for it.

Living with depression/bipolar disorder has made me so fucking tired I’m tired of living I’m tired of all of this shit.  Nobody really understands what I’m going through I mean people who also struggle with depression kind of get it but we all experience things differently and nobody truly understands but me.  My parents think if I just “smile more” and “think happy thoughts” it will all go away.  I’m scared to tell them I’m not doing well right now because they just can’t deal with me so they pretend my problems don’t exist and that hurts.  I don’t know it’s been a year and a month since I’ve been hospitalized maybe I do need to go back and recharge so to speak.  I feel shame when I am hospitalized because I feel like a freak with mental issues that I am constantly institutionalized from the monster inside my head.  Depression has rotted me from the inside out I no longer feel like a human being I am just a shell of a human being but I never truly knew myself because it started so young all I’ve known is depression.  I’m tired of having to take meds twice a day I’m at the pharmacy multiple times a week getting refills.  I just try to make it through each day but I have nothing to do so I sit and think all day long and it makes me more depressed because my head is not a safe place to be.  My therapist wants to try to get me to go out more and maybe volunteer somewhere but I just want to stay in my apartment but I know that won’t help me get better.

I just took a Klonopin I probably should have earlier but hopefully it will relieve some of my symptoms right now especially the anxiety I’m feeling.  I just wish all this pain would go away.

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Been feeling slightly better over the course of the past few days compared to Saturday.  I am still struggling with the depression of course, as that never has gone away, and all the negative thoughts that come with it, but I’m feeling a bit more stable and safer now, which is good.  I see my therapist on Friday and  my psychiatrist next week and I updated both of them about what happened on Saturday so they are in the loop.  I continue to take my meds every day and go to the gym but I really don’t have anything else going on during the day so I tend to get bored and then my mind starts wandering and it wanders into bad places.

I made myself get up on Sunday because my band was participating in an Easter parade in the city it was the 84th annual bunny hop parade.  Playing music always makes me feel good so I went, plus I knew I had committed to it and I couldn’t bail out.  We played the goddamn Bunny Hop song at least 25 times in a row without stopping, it was only a 4 block parade but it was more of a saunter than a march.  As we played the Bunny Hop over and over and over again swarms of people dressed up as bunnies and kids and their parents hopped behind us.  It was… interesting.  The weather was nice, good enough to just be wearing a t-shirt.  I actually felt calmer after playing.  Also had rehearsal Monday night and I felt good throughout all of that.  Again, I know playing music makes me feel better.

Last night I went to my sobriety group and there was only 3 of us there so we decided to forego the meeting and go to Chinatown for dinner instead.  It was something I haven’t done in a long time, gone out with people to a restaurant and act like a normal human being.  We had fun and the food was good, apart from the pouring rain and the 30 degree temperature drop (of course I was wearing shorts) it was a good night.

Today I decided to be responsible and go to City Hall to get new copies of my name change document from 2008 since I lost the original.  I never got my birth certificate changed after my top surgery, and I don’t have a passport anymore, and I figured I should actually take care of those things.  My surgeon’s letter that states I am legally male expires in October so I want to get it done before that.  I ended up wasting 2 bus tokens and 2 hours of my life instead.  Apparently the judicial records office couldn’t find me in their system, and I didn’t have the court case number with me because I didn’t know I needed it.  There were 4 other people with my name but none of the addresses matched.  So they sent me to a different room, and the woman working there could clearly care less about my inquiries, so she wasn’t much of a help but her answer was the same, she couldn’t find me.  I got the name change done at City Hall, I even remember having to show up to court and how scared I was when I went back in 2008/09 whenever it was.  Of course it ended up being a breeze because Philadelphia is really awesome.  So I went all the way to City Hall for absolutely nothing.  Came home and found the documents that have the case number, and now I have to go back and try again.  When I called this morning to find out the cost to get the new document, I wanted to know if they would do it over the phone and then I could just come and get it but the lady said no, and had she said yes, I would have avoided this whole waste of a day.  I also lost my social security card but that will be for another day.

Tomorrow I have therapy group in the afternoon, and I will probably go back to City Hall after that and try to resolve this whole situation.  I could have really used my group last week because it was the day after my friend’s husband called me but we meet every other week and last week was an off week.  So I will have a lot to share tomorrow, because my group has been following along my friend’s situation and they are all concerned for her and me as well.

I’m just really bored right now I don’t have a lot to do and that’s when the depression sets in I can only spend so much time on my computer before I start to feel antsy but I don’t feel like doing anything else because I’ve lost interest in practically everything else in my life. I know my therapist and I have a lot to talk about on Friday.  Since I just started seeing her in March we have been talking about my history a lot so she can get to know me better, and last week she was going to give me 15 minutes to talk about whatever I wanted and then we were going to talk about my history.  Well I started telling her about my friend and her husband and all of a sudden the hour was up.  Oops.  I really thought I was only talking for 15 minutes but I managed to talk for an entire hour.  There’s just a lot going on in my head right now and I can’t manage it myself which is obviously why I have a therapist but since we’re new to each other that adds an additional challenge.

I just had to change my insurance provider because my PCP no longer takes the one I had.  I am on medical access/welfare insurance and I guess they have different providers within that so all I had to do was call them and they changed it and today I got a “welcome packet” that explains everything.  It really made me think that I am actually lucky to be poor and disabled.  Almost everything on my insurance is covered, and I can go to anywhere I want.  My prescriptions (all 8 of them) are either $0, $1, or $3.  Today I picked up 4 prescriptions and paid $0.  I can’t even imagine how much I would be paying otherwise.  Not that I like being poor or disabled, of course, but I look at what other people have to pay for insurance and I realize how lucky I am at least in that sense.  I mean I can’t make ends meet, which is why I don’t have to pay anything for my medical care, so there is a negative aspect to it of course.  They are also trying to close out my case manager and my psychiatrist doesn’t want that to happen so she filled out a form for me and I managed to hold onto it for almost a whole month and then 2 days before I had to give it to someone I lost it.  Go me.

I haven’t talked to my friend a lot this week.  We talked on Sunday and she thought I was shutting down from her and she started to get upset, and I told her I wasn’t even though I kind of was.  I know it’s wrong but a small part of me wants to walk away I know I am just so tired emotionally from helping her   But I never will because she is my best friend and I care too deeply for her to ever leave her side, I just need to get over myself.  I guess things are going okay for her now or she would have said otherwise.  Another “honeymoon period” I guess.

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I’m spiraling out of control tonight I can feel myself unraveling people are telling me to go to the emergency room even a 72 hour stay but I just can’t.  I don’t want to go.  I’m so over hospital stays I don’t know if I can keep myself safe tonight or not but I’m just so burnt out.  I want to cut I want to hurt myself I deserve to be hurt I deserve the punishment.  March was 1 year since I had a hospital stay I don’t want to ruin it now.  I have things to do I have an Easter parade tomorrow and rehearsal on Monday I can’t miss those things being in a hospital.  But at the same time I don’t even know if I can hold myself together to get there.

I’m a fucking loser I can’t hold down a job I’ve been in graduate school for 4 years and haven’t finished yet.  I have one friend and she’s not allowed to see me because of her psycho sociopath husband.  I’ve been in fear and terror ever since he came storming into the restaurant we were at on Sunday and then he called me somehow got my phone number I didn’t leave my house the next day in fear that he was going to be outside waiting for me with a gun.  All of my other “friends” ditched me when I had a mental breakdown.  But at the same time I hate people they give me anxiety and they make me mad I don’t want to be around people.  If someone invites me out I feel like a burden and an outsider always looking in from the outside never a part of the group.

I spent most of today crying I was a fucking mess everything that I’ve been penting up came vomiting out of my mouth to my best friend today she doesn’t need to hear my shit she almost died the other night from a seizure her husband is abusive her kids have special needs she is the one who has problems in her life not me it would be easier if I just wasn’t alive anymore that way I could stop being a burden on people.  I feel like I was making her mad because I was upset and she feels it was her fault because her psycho husband made me upset it’s not her fault he’s a fucking psycho.  So we were almost arguing over whose fault it wasn’t because we both wanted to take the blame and deny the other person’s fault.  My head feels heavy I can’t keep it up my stomach hurts I’m shaking and cold I want to throw up I just feel like crap right now physically and mentally.  I feel myself shutting down I am tired of wearing a mask that says everything is alright even though things were starting to feel better every time I take one step forward I take three steps back.  I will never get ahead in life I will always be a fucking loser.

I’m tired of feeling this way I’m scared I’ll never feel better.  I miss my therapist she retired at the end of February.  I like my new therapist but it’s different and I don’t feel safe with her yet I’m sure I will but I honestly feel like I need therapy more than once a week because I’m so fucked in the head but I can’t afford that so I have to suffer with what I’ve got.  I feel like such a whiny little pussy I’m a fucking loser I know I have mental illness it’s not my fault but I can’t deal with it anymore.  It’s a fucking cruddy hand I was dealt in life and I’m tired of it.

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